Dread

Today is my first day back at work. Holden and I got ready really early. I didn't know how long it woud take me to get both of us up fed, bathed, dressed, etc. and what my "emotional" state would be so now I have a few minutes to kill before we head to Mrs. B's house. Jordan was here to help out with Holden this morning.

I didn't sleep much. Stupid thoughts...

I feel sick at my tummy.

Have I mentioned how much I don't want to do this?

-Carmen

Pinky Binky

Holden likes one pacifier and all others gag him. We couldn't find any where we shop, so we ordered 2 pairs online.

I love getting packages in the mail. It doesn't really matter what is in them. I like opening the box. It makes me feel important. So I was very upset with Jordan when he opened the shipment of pacifiers.

"Carmen, you need to see this," he said. Jordan held up 2 baby blue pacifiers .... and 2 pink pacifiers! I love it. It drives me nuts that baby boy stuff HAS to be blue and baby girl stuff HAS to be pink. Come on, it's just a color (and a pretty color at that, tee hee hee.)

So here is my baby boy with his pink paci (sorry about the cell phone quality.)

While I'm adding cell phone stuff....

I put Holden in bed with me the other day because I wasn't ready to get up .... but he certainly was. This movie is about 3 mintues long and Holden starts to get fussy toward the end.

When I played it back for Holden, he calmed down, watched himself, and talked along with himself. Then when he started getting upset in the video, he started getting upset in real time. It was so cute. Again, it is from my cell phone in the dark, so forgive the quality. Turn up the volume!

-Carmen

Last Dance

Well, this is it.....

I just finished feeding Holden and as you can see by the timestamp, ‘tis early.

Jordan wakes up, falls back to sleep easily, and still gets enough rest. I don't. Bedtime for me is long and frustrating. Waking up and “trying” to go back to sleep is worse. I also need 9 – 10 hours of sleep to function at 100%. That rarely happened before baby … now it never happens.

Initially, Jordan was going to take the “after-hours” feedings. I’m not very nice when I wake up, I’ll admit it. I hate waking up … makes me feel sick at my stomach (my mom is nodding her head right now.) However, the GUILT usually propels my behind out of bed even when Jordan is at home. Holden needs something STAT, you can hear it in his voice. I don’t want to bother my husband, he is after all “sleeping like a baby.” I feel guilty if Holden has to wait very long or if he has to “get loud” before someone fixes “it.”

Ahhhhh, Mommy Guilt … can I get an “amen” from all the mommies out there?

That stuff will eat you up.

Today is our last day before I go back to work. I am so grateful that I have had this time to spend with my first baby. I know a lot of moms don’t have this opportunity.

I’m still not ready though. I doubt many mommies are ever ready. I had to use every last drop of “leave” to do it, but it was worth it. I just can’t get sick until January 2009….

-Carmen

TheRe’s nO PlaCe liKe hoMe

When Holden and I visited my parents over the Easter weekend, I asked mom if I could have a pair of my grandmother’s shoes.

Even as a kid I noticed that Nanners had nice shoes. She kept each pair in the original box. The shoe boxes were stacked a mile high in her closet.

I remember playing in her closet (do all kids do that?) and marveling at the tower of purples, oranges, greens, and pinks stacked so neatly.

I didn’t keep my shoes in boxes. Mom and dad didn’t keep their shoes in the boxes.

Nanner’s shoes must be special magic shoes that sleep in boxes so the magic doesn’t leak out.

I hope someday I can fill her magic shoes…..

-Carmen

New Banner

My family keeps asking "where are the pictures of you, Carmen?" I'm usually taking the pictures so there aren't many with me in them.

Jennifer sent our family portrait so I could incorporate it in the new banner I was creating. She is such a sweetie!

So there ya go. I'm on here now.

-Carmen

Joyeux Anniversaire Nana

We celebrated Holden’s Nana’s birthday this evening with a little Babe’s Chicken and Hokey Pokey. A good time was had by all.

Holden was in an especially joyous mood, and he allowed Nana, Nanaw (my hubby’s grandma,) and Rowdy the great pleasure of hearing his babyspeak. He was laying it on thick with a double dose of smiles and coos.




Holden can become quite nasty if we get off our daily routine. Sometimes he screams so hard he holds his breath. Mommy does not like that!

A little after 7:00 we leave the restaurant and head back to Nana’s for gifts. I start to feel beads of sweat forming along my forehead, my heart begins to pound so hard it shakes the car, and my palms are clammy.

We’ll never make it! I look back at the munchkin smirking at me. Bath time is at 8:00, there is no way we will make it! Based on past experience … this is not a good situation. I express my fear to my hubby. I don’t know if it is the rapid thumping coming from my chest or if he is having nervous flashbacks, but he is thinking the same thing I am thinking. We had planned to be home by 8:00. We don’t have a PLAN B! It is like waiting for the full moon to pop out and a werewolf to emerge.

Hubby drops us off at Nana’s and dashes to the nearest store for baby wash while Nana and I get Holden’s bath ready.

I can tell when the socks are about to hit the fan … even a baby’s subtle shifts are strongly felt by his mommy. However, the second we strip him down he relaxes. Holden knows what is next and it is nothing short of pure bliss to him. I slip him down into the warm water and he lets out his baby sigh …. ahhhhh. Everything is right with the world. Mommy and daddy - 1 … fussy baby - 0.


Funny how the things that make you feel anxious … and I mean really anxious … take on a foreign and completely random form when you have a kid. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that the mere thought of filling a tub with warm water 5 minutes later than “scheduled” would send shivers of dread down my spine.

Now that Holden is content we commence with Nana’s gifts.

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I love looking at old pictures and I asked my husband to pull out some baby pictures. I wanted to see how much Holden looks like his daddy. And boy, does he! Daddy sure was a cutey.

The highlight was Nanaw’s comments. She is one funny lady. She said, “there sure are a lot of brown headed women in these pictures,” and we waited for the punch line, “we are all gray now!”

I found a gray hair in my eyebrow a couple of days ago. What is up with that?

Which reminds me ….. One of my less than “positive” loved ones once told me “the human body matures until it is 18 years of age … then it slowly begins to die.” By the way, I do not recommend saying this to a 10 year old. It kind of messes them up…

So what can we learn from this? Make the most of the descent!



We can blame Rowdy for the goofy look on my face in this picture. I set the timer and ran back to my place in line. Rowdy kept poking me in the side behind Nanaw's back. He's so silly!













Happy Birthday, Nana!!!

-Carmen

Sweet Photos

As you may recall we had a photo session with Jennifer of Sugar Photography after Holden was born. The link to the slideshow is below or click on the photo.


Jen is so talented. The photos are gorgeous.


I can't believe how much Holden has changed. He was so scrawny! My baby and my hubby are so cute together.


Enjoy!


Holden's Slideshow




















-Carmen

Mama Mimi

Holden made his first visit to Mimi and Pawpaw 2’s (my grandpa is called Pawpaw and now my dad is also called Pawpaw, confusing???) for Easter.


It was a great trip. Holden slept 10 hours both nights! He rarely does that at home. I think he was exhausted from playing.

The Easter Bunny brought him a basket with eggs, a book, bunny, bubbles, and froggy blankie.

We are now home and both tired. Sleepy time…. ZZZZZZ

-Carmen

Rabbit Feet & Family Ritual

Holden had his first Easter Bunny mall photograph taken today. A new holiday tradition!

I changed my first poopy diaper on-the-go. Then my husband and I couldn’t find a trashcan and decided to dump the deed at the next stop … we forgot … so when we returned to our car at the end of the day, the car smelled quite lovely.

Holden was happy until we
arrived at the mall. We stopped at a sitting area to feed him, and then it was sweat and tears until we left. Literally, he was sweating. The bunny’s lair was in one of the courtyards under the skylights and it was HOT! Holden was fussing, tired, and damp. I felt especially sorry for that bunny.

The photo shown took 9 tries. Holden just wasn’t having it. He was trying to squirm away and had a scrunched up face in 8 of the shots. They had to crop out one of the photo staff’s hands, poised to catch Holden if he successfully escaped.










Aaahhhh….. but momma was thinking ahead! While he was happy this morning, I took some pictures of him in his cute little Easter jumpsuit, a lovely baby gift from Mr. Stogsdill’s cousin A, who also gave us the blanket shown, embroidered with Holden's birth stats. So cute!!!


























After quality time at the mall, we hopped over to IKEA “just to look.” I hate leaving there empty-handed. After walking and walking and walking and finally making it to the finish line, I feel like I should give them my money….

But we found something even better than Swedish melamine. We ran into my beautiful aunt N and uncle J! I love them so much. We chatted outside for a while before heading back home … well we had to find a trashcan and dump the dooooo first.

-Carmen

The 2nd Worst Day of My Life

Holden spent the day with Mrs. B. It was our dry run in preparation for my return to work.

Those unsympathetic to new mom woes should cease reading immediately. It’s about to get all kinds of melodramatic up in here….


I was one of them. I never understood what the big deal was. Take baby from point A and place him in point B. Walk out the door.

A thousand paper cuts on my eyeballs followed by a stern dousing of salt and lemon juice would have been less painful than this process actually was.


This morning on the way to Mrs. B's house, I looked in the baby rear view mirror to check on my angel. He was looking outside, then at me in the mirror, and then outside again, wide-mouthed, laughing, and gurgling as if to say, “what adventures are we going to have, today, mom?”

I lost it … all of it. I started bawling. “Well son, I am dropping you off in unfamiliar surroundings so I can spend some quality time with myself.”

I said regrettable things to my husband when he called shortly after… and then again when he called back … and again later ... and perhaps a few more times after that.

A few miles from Mrs. B’s house, I looked at myself in the mirror, and said, “self, you better get it together FAST! For the love of Elvis, fake it!” And I did.

Mrs. B is so warm and I started to feel better as soon as we walked in … and then I left …. an hour later (yes, it took me an hour to leave.)

I didn’t know what to do with myself. My mind was racing. My eyes were pouring. I couldn’t utter a word. He is only 2 and a half months old! How could I leave him? I have been at Holden’s devoted beckoned call and suddenly I found myself alone … completely alone. I didn’t like it.

I contemplated spending the day sitting at the Sonic by Mrs. B’s house, but decided that seemed a little too cuckoo.

I thought maybe I could go home …. but I knew I would just sit in Holden’s room and cry.

So, I drove to Dillards with the intention of buying myself something I want, but don’t need.

I never went in. I sat in my car in the parking lot, and between supportive text messages and phone calls from friends and my mom I cried for almost two hours.

I have great friends. They really are the bestest! They dropped what they were doing to meet me for lunch and supply me with some much needed hugs and assurance.

When I returned to Mrs. B’s to retrieve my offspring, I walked in and said, “Hi, Punkin’.” He shrugged his tiny shoulders up to his ears, smiled a huge gummy smile, and turned to look at me. I sure needed that….. I melted.

I could go on and on about the traumas of the day (obviously,) but I am spent and want to hold my boy.


Every morning when Holden and I get up, I think about how today is his first Thursday … today is the first day he will see his cousin, Sawyer …. today is the first time he will stay with Nana while I go on a date with my husband …. today is his first February 10th … today was the first day he spent the whole day away from me.

Today … was the second worst day of my life. The worst will be the day I return to work…

-Carmen

Bunny Ears

One more bunny pic.....





















-Carmen

Happy Easter

I couldn't wait until the weekend to post this pic. Holden looks so creamy soft. I just want to squish him! He also sat up with minimal help for this photo. Holden is so close to holding his head up ... gotta love that baby neck!

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. There is a lot on my mind and I needed a little break from (of all things) saying what is on my mind.

Pawpaw did have a stroke. He has been moved to the same rehabilitation facility as Nanners so they can see each other. He should be able to go home in a couple of weeks.

Mom and my uncle have started going through their things at the house … "getting things in order."

On the sunnier side …. Holden is getting so big! We have so much fun together. He giggles, gurgles, makes spit bubbles, and smiles whenever he is awake and content. He is soaking it all up. You can see him thinking really hard when you present him with a new object or view.

We have started teaching Holden baby sign language. We are starting with “milk” and “bath” since these seem to be his two favorite things. Also, the delay in providing either of these things elicits significant emotional outbursts. Hopefully if he knows “it’s coming” he will chill out a little. Personally, I think he is getting it. This opinion has been met with some eye rolling from the naysayers. Before long, Holden and I can “talk” about them in public and they won’t know what we are saying. We’ll just laugh and laugh while our fingers do the talking.

Holden and I went shopping a few days ago. I found these cute cups, bowls, and plates at Target. There is also a ladybug, but they didn’t have the bowl so I’ll have to check another store.

Tomorrow is our trial run with our childcare provider. Holden will be fine. This is for my benefit. I’ll let you know how I do.

-Carmen

Give & Take

My very cool friend Julie made this very cool hat for Holden. Normally he hates for me to put a hat on his head, but he didn’t fight or bat an eye when I put Julie’s hat on him. In fact, he fell asleep!

Holden had his 2 month
doctor appointment yesterday. He is now 24” long and weighs 12.3 pounds. Everything checked out ok.

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… as some of you know, my mom’s mom has been slowly and painfully succumbing to age and a multitude of health conditions for at least thirteen years. Grandma, (I call her either Nana or Nanners) has been in some form of medical facility for over a year. She is usually non-responsive ..… it’s really just a very sad situation that’s hard to talk about. This has all been very heavy for my mom, uncle, and Pawpaw. Unfortunately, mom’s dad (Pawpaw) has also experienced more than his fair share of decline, now exacerbated by the emotional, mental, and physical wear and tear of his wife’s struggles.

I received the following email (posted with permission) from my mom last night, she couldn’t talk on the phone due to a cough/cold/allergy thing she has been combating for months…..


It was not a good day today. Sara was supposed to have called you for me. My voice is next to nothing.
10 a.m. talked to Pawpaw. Didn't feel well. Still with cold. Waiting one more day to go to DR. Hung up with him. He is going to go make his morning oatmeal.
2 p.m. called Pawpaw. no answer. give him a few more mins. no answer. Go to house. Ring doorbell long and loud and let myself in.
he has gotten up, headed my way. I smell burnt something and ask if he smells it. "no" he says. I go to stove. Burnt oatmeal in pan with burner still on (low, thank goodness) Try to call his attention to it. only wants to talk about having trouble with the micro. second attempt fails, back to microwave. Door on micro was also open along with cabinets, and lights were on that he would never leave on when not in the room.
I am feeling very panicky. Mini stroke I am thinking. Call Dale, "I need you" Try to explain situation. Dale is coming. Start trying to call Pawpaw's clinic. No answer. Call the one in D. After a few attempts I get through to a person. They talk to DR's nurse. They say take him to ER.
This is a real trick. Not understanding why I want him to go with me. I tell him that they are waiting on us at the DRS He doesn't walk well. I thank God for keeping him on his feet. He goes to bathroom. In there too long. I go knock rather loudly. He answers. WHEWWWW!!!! Didn't want to have to go in. He comes out. 1st attempt to put on bathrobe fails, 2nd attempt fails, 3rd fails. ok, that is done. Now the walk to the car. I am sooo tired.
After the normal ER admissions, wait, Dr evaluation, tests etc. 6 p.m. enlarged heart, a kidney issue and high blood sugar, fever of 100.9 and blood pressure is high. They took a chest xray to check his lungs and found the heart issue. That has apparently been the reason he has been so sluggish. He always said it was the diabetes. Don't know how long they intend to keep him. Will let you know. Thank you for praying. Love, Mom

I just got off the phone with mom. Pawpaw’s condition has not improved. His doctor plans to keep him for a few days. Pawpaw isn’t getting it. He keeps saying he is going home tomorrow.

Holden came from good people. My grandparents are the kindest of the kind. It makes me sad that he may never get to meet them.

-Carmen

Mirror, Mirror on the Dressing Room Wall...

... why can't you make my backside look small?


The good news: I have some new clothes for work and they fit.

The bad news: Someone had to make them out of more fabric ... a lot more fabric ... than I would like....

I know you imagine me sitting here typing this stuff glammed out in a slinky party dress, covered in bling from ear to wrist, sipping on a martini at a swanky cyber cafe (that's how I picture me) .... I pretty much wear sweats (sometimes 2 days in a row), my husband's t-shirt, and a hair scrunchie while quietly pecking away at the keys in our dark man cave praying my subtle movements don't stir the munchkin from the possible onset of a nap.

My hubby has come home from work on multiple occasions and asked, "Is that milk on your shirt/sweats?" I reply, "Why yes. It does appear to be milk," as I scratch my nail across the spot and give it a quick sniff. "I think it has been there since yesterday. And that sour milk spit-up smell ... that would be me, too .... also from yesterday. Let's make out!"

So, and here is the point of this little ditty ... accustomed to the sweats, I would have likely got up the morning I go back to work assuming that "by now" my normal low-waist work-casual slacks fit … only to have a melt-down of mass proportions in the closet floor. And if my bottom could speak ... English ... it would fervently cry "WHY? Why DKNY, Bisou, and Liz and co.? Why have you forsaken me?"

-Carmen

Happy 2 Months!

Holden is 2 months old today. Mommy celebrated with a bowl of ice cream. Yum! Holden celebrated by hanging out is in his birthday suit (plus diaper.)

My favorite thing this month is that Holden smiles soooo much. He looks like he is laughing, but someone turned the volume off. He isn't laughing yet, but he does talk a lot.

Holden also has developed an early flair for the dramatic (I don’t have a clue where he got that from) and follows many sneezing fits with a very loud over-the-top sigh, just to make sure everyone knows just how taxing it was on him. Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, UHGUHHH!















Holden watched his first 30 minute cartoon yesterday. That Baby Einstein stuff isn’t for me, but babies love it. Well, maybe it is for me. I found myself in a relaxed trance as brightly colored members of the animal kingdom floated across the screen.

Tomorrow we are going to get out for a while and see Nana and Rowdy. I also have to suck it up and buy some pants for work. I know it is all part of the miracle of life, blah, blah, blah, but I am really not thrilled about buying bigger pants, and I refuse to go back to work in maternity clothes. Most of me has returned to it’s original mass and location, but my hips are not where they use to be.

You have probably noticed the slideshow feature I added to the top right hand corner. I will add a picture each month so you can watch him mighty-morph.

-Carmen

Baby Blue

He is pretty. That's right ... I said it. He is a boy and he is mine (I am admitting bias) but look at him. ... pretty.















-Carmen