Last Dance

Well, this is it.....

I just finished feeding Holden and as you can see by the timestamp, ‘tis early.

Jordan wakes up, falls back to sleep easily, and still gets enough rest. I don't. Bedtime for me is long and frustrating. Waking up and “trying” to go back to sleep is worse. I also need 9 – 10 hours of sleep to function at 100%. That rarely happened before baby … now it never happens.

Initially, Jordan was going to take the “after-hours” feedings. I’m not very nice when I wake up, I’ll admit it. I hate waking up … makes me feel sick at my stomach (my mom is nodding her head right now.) However, the GUILT usually propels my behind out of bed even when Jordan is at home. Holden needs something STAT, you can hear it in his voice. I don’t want to bother my husband, he is after all “sleeping like a baby.” I feel guilty if Holden has to wait very long or if he has to “get loud” before someone fixes “it.”

Ahhhhh, Mommy Guilt … can I get an “amen” from all the mommies out there?

That stuff will eat you up.

Today is our last day before I go back to work. I am so grateful that I have had this time to spend with my first baby. I know a lot of moms don’t have this opportunity.

I’m still not ready though. I doubt many mommies are ever ready. I had to use every last drop of “leave” to do it, but it was worth it. I just can’t get sick until January 2009….

-Carmen